Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners.
The original characters and plot are the property of the author.  The author is in no way associated with the
owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise.  No copyright infringement is intended.  

Summary: Everything went wrong after the chicken broke his foot.

Pairing: Martouf/Lantash and Sam; Janet/Malek implied  

Characters: Sam, Martouf/Lantash, Malek/Devlin

Rating: PG  

“Italics” – Host-Symbiote communications  

Author's Note: Please read.  I know that the print is a little hard to read on this but the
background went so well with the story that I couldn't resist putting it here.  If needed,
Highlight the print and it is very easy to read.    Pagan











Everything went wrong after the chicken broke his foot.  Totally, absolutely,
completely screwed up.  A Tau’ri expression, screwed up.  It should be screwed
down, of course, but like many other things on the Tau’ri world, it, also, was
screwed up.  Like his entire life.  Even Lantash was not speaking to him.  That
could be because he laughed himself into unconsciousness.  At least he had
healed his foot first.

“Martouf, are you sure you don’t want to come in and have some pie and ice
cream?  It’s really good.”  

Martouf sighed, as he stared out across the open field, “No, Samantha, I should
probably stay here, so that I do not destroy anything, or incite any other creature
to anger or lust.  There does not appear to be anything here that I can harm, or
turn into a crazed beast, and I will be sure to stay away from anything breakable
or alive.”  

Sam’s lips twitched, but she kept her countenance straight.  “Now, you know, it
was not your fault.  None of it.  Janet’s Uncle Ed told you the same thing.  That
hog really likes you, and there was nothing you could do about it.  Aunt May said
that Uncle Ed should never have let you go in there with them in the first place,
but like he said, it never occurred to him that the pigs in the pig sty would knock
you down.  It was really a good thing that Besse fell in love with you because she
made the others kind of stay away, until you could get out of the hog wallow and
out of the pen.  Aunt May only had to wash your clothes twice to get the smell
out of them.  They’re fine, now.”    

Martouf sighed again, “You are not going to convince me that I am not a danger
to you and Janet.  While it was a great kindness of you to bring me here, so that I
could experience the farming aspect of rural life on the Tau’ri world, as I
requested, it is obvious that I am not attuned to it.  Anyone who can become
entangled in a fence that small, almost deliver both himself and his symbiote to
death by electrocution, before anyone can turn it off, and in addition completely
destroy the fence, deserves what he gets.”  

“Lantash is still not speaking to me.  I am not sure if it is because he hates being
electrocuted, or because he laughed himself into unconsciousness again, about
the bull chasing us across the field and into the fence.  He seems to be finding a
great deal of amusement in the things I have had happening to me.”  

“Martouf, a very large bull was chasing you across that field, and Uncle Ed
apologized for not telling you he was in the pasture.  He never even thought
about it when he sent you to put that sack of corn in the shed, and he should
have told you which shed.  We’re so used to knowing where things go, you
know.  It wasn’t your fault about the fence either.  No one thought to explain
about electric fences to you, that’s all.   And it was a good thing that Besse got
out and went looking for you again, because it startled the bull, and he stopped
chasing you to see what she was.”  

“Uncle Ed was impressed with the fact that you didn’t drop the bag of corn, even
when you fell over the first fence and were being electrocuted by the second
one.”  She tried teasing him gently, but he was much to upset to respond, so she
tried another direction.  

“And as for the rooster, well, any of us can have that happen any day that old
bird is loose.  He got out earlier during the, ah, chicken incident.  Anyway, all you
did was hang yourself on the clothesline and almost kill the rooster.  If the
clothesline hadn’t tried to strangle you, I don’t think the rooster, or the goat,
would have caught you at all.  You fought back better than anyone else I’ve ever
seen.  Really.  I had peck marks all over when it happened to me.”  

Martouf blinked at her.  “Samantha, are you saying that you have had the rooster
attack you?”  

“Sure.  Happens to everyone that’s new.  I’ve never been hung up in the electric
fence or the clothesline, but that’s only because Janet warned me.  I should
have said something to you about it, but it’s been a while since I’ve been here,
and I forgot. I’m really sorry.”  

Martouf kicked the toe of his cowboy boot against the post on the porch.  “You
did not fall off your horse.  Three times.”  

“I fell off the first time I rode, though.  You just didn’t get the girth tight enough.  
You’ll do better tomorrow.”  

“You did not fall into a pig wallow.”  

“No.  No, I have to admit that pleasure of country living still awaits me.  But it’s
possibly because I’ve never offered to slop the hogs.  You did offer.”  

Martouf nodded, dejectedly.  “You did not have a goat try to eat your shirt, while
you battled an enraged rooster.  You may have fought the rooster, but you were
not being attacked from two directions at once.  He--He tried to eat the seat of
my blue jeans, too.  After I finally flung the rooster away and was getting my hat,
he attacked me in the—the butt, and knocked me back down.  You did not have
that happen.”  

“No, not while I was recovering from the rooster, but I have been on the wrong
end of a goat and been knocked down.  Martouf, you are not the only person
these things have happened to.  You are just the only one they all happened to
today.”    

“Samantha,” Martouf explained, resignedly, “A chicken broke my foot.  Can you
not understand what that means?  My entire life
is in shambles.  When a chicken
can break your foot, your usefulness, your
life is over.   I passed out, Samantha,
and when I woke up, there was a chicken sitting on my foot where she broke it.  
I have never passed out from a broken bone before.  At least, not one so minute.  
Not only that but, Samantha, everything went wrong after the chicken broke my
foot.”

He stared across the field once more.  “That is not all.” He paused.  “The llama
spit on me.”  

Sam could stand no more of the forlorn note in his voice.  Wrapping her arms
around his waist, she leaned into him and kissed him gently on the dimple in his
chin, “Oh, my love, I am so sorry.  I will...I will spit on the llama for you tomorrow,
first thing.  I promise.  But, I think there is something that you are under a
misconception about.”

“What is that, Samantha?”  It was nice holding her close.  She was soft,
feminine, and smelled sweet.  Unlike llama spit, which was rather vile.

“Martouf, the chicken didn’t break your foot.  The heavy wooden crates she
knocked off the shelf trying to get to you broke your foot.  One of them knocked
you out too; you didn’t pass out from the broken bone.”  

Martouf stared at her.  “Do you mean that I spent the entire day being accident
prone, when I did not have to be?  I could have avoided all of this if Lantash had
simply told me the truth?  That’s why he has been so quiet all day except for his
bouts of hysterical laughter.”  Martouf looked angry, but then another thought
entered his mind, and he groaned as the anger left him.  

“It was still the chicken, Samantha.  No matter how you look at it.  Whether the
chicken did it with her own body, or not, she still caused it to happen.  The
chicken broke my foot.  I am doomed.”  

Sam laughed softly.  Hugging him to her, she said warmly, “Well,
Mr. Doomed,
for now, I suggest that you push that sad face away, and come inside for pie and
ice cream.  Malek is still healing Devlin’s shoulder from where he fell out of the
peach tree, and his sprained ankle from when he fell off the tractor into the
pond.  Dev’s had several accidents, too, you know.  He fell out of the hay mow
when he caught his fingers in the twine on a bale of hay and he followed it
down.  He had a pretty good sized goose egg on his forehead from that.  He
stabbed himself in the foot with a pitchfork and sat on a nail that was sticking
up in an old board, too.  Luckily, Uncle Ed wasn’t around for the pitchfork, or the
nail, so Malek could take care of them instead of Devlin having to get a tetanus
shot.”  

“To make matters worse, he fell off the hay wagon when they were picking up
bales of hay in the field.  I guess they stopped for a minute, and he was standing
up on the top layer of bales on the back of the wagon, and when they started
going again, it kind of jerked.  They said he just sort of flew over backwards.  He
only cracked a rib, knocked the breath out of himself, and wrenched his back
that time.  Malek was able to block the pain enough that Dev could go on
working, while he healed him, and no one even knew he had a cracked rib.  He,
ah, hasn’t had the most accident free day either.”   

Sam smiled a little more.  “You know, if you are
Mr. Doomed, then he is Mr. Death
is Inevitable.
 He’s had his share of accidents today, too. All he has moaned to
Janet and Devlin about all evening are his
“brushes with death” and that “my
death is inevitable.”
 Maybe you can cheer each other up by trying to out
accident each other.  He's refused to touch anything that’s sharp.  If he agrees
to pick something up, it has to be smaller than a bale of hay with no visible way
to attach itself to him.”  

“Samantha, for how many more days are we here?”  

“Six more, my love.”   She said understandingly.

He nodded his head, obviously resigned to the inevitable.  “You know that Malek
will never allow me to live down the accidents I had today.  All of them included
animal life.”  

“Then you should point out that all of
his injuries were self-inflicted.  At least
yours were caused by outside influences.  So, which one of you is more accident
prone?”  Sam asked as she chuckled gently.

For the first time in several hours, Martouf smiled.

She is correct, dear one.  We will have one up on Malek this time.  
Lantash sounded complacently content with the situation.

Lantash?”  Martouf gasped, as his lifemate spoke to him for the first time in
what seemed as if it had been days, but had only been hours, he was sure.  

“You did not truly imagine that I would abandon you?”  Lantash asked
softly.  

“Where have you been?”  Martouf demanded.

“Forcing myself to stay as quiet as possible.  It would be too easy to give
myself away.  I have remained dormant, for much of the time, although I
gave you extra speed during the bull escape and tried to help during the
electrocution.  I have to confess to laughing, when I go through your
memories, though,”
Lantash explained quietly.  

“That is why your laughter is at odd times,” Martouf responded, still
somewhat disgruntled at Lantash's seeming desertion.

“Yes.  However, more importantly, your bruises and aches are healed now.  
Try to look on these things with amusement, Martouf, for they will be
funny later, I assure you.  Furthermore, it is bringing us closer to
Samantha,”
Lantash pointed out smugly.”  

“Yes, it is,” He answered, seeming to become more optimistic on that thought.  
“She is waiting for me to decide on whether or not we want to eat pie,”
Martouf commented questioningly.

“Pie sounds good,” Lantash urged him to agree to go with Samantha.  “I
believe I am a little hungry.”

"Yes, it does sound good,"
Martouf agreed.  "You are correct, and I feel as if
a little something to eat would not go amiss,"
he continued, seeming
somewhat more cheerful.  It was obvious that he had determined to make the
best of the situation.

Therefore, making his decision, he nodded to their Samantha and said as he sent
her another smile, “Samantha, let us go have pie.  Lantash says he is hungry and
so am I.  It seems he is staying dormant, so he will not come forward
inadvertently and perhaps give us away.”  

Sam nodded her acceptance of his comment, as she opened the screen door and
walked into the old farm house.  Martouf stepped in behind her.  The cat,
ecstatic that he had returned, took a flying leap and landed on his shoulder,
causing him to step backwards.  The lamp fell to the floor and a picture fell from
the wall.  In the kitchen, they heard Malek/Devlin yell, as he dropped the ice
cream maker on his foot.  

Everything went wrong after the chicken broke his foot.  Seeing the smile on
their Samantha’s face, hearing the laughter in her voice, and seeing the love in
her eyes was worth it.  Tomorrow would be better…he could feel it in his bones.

The End.


                   
                                 
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Everything went wrong