Chapter Six Summary: Jacob/Selmak and Janet spend a very cozy evening. Meanwhile, light years away, Martouf and Lantash have spent many hours contemplating their situation. As he and Daniel go over the facts and her letter once again, they finally realize what Sam was trying to tell them and feel confident that they can do as she has asked.
"Italics" - Symbiote-Host communications
Jacob, Selmak, and Janet finished their meal, laughing over the fact that cafeteria food was not the most enticing in the world. Conversation was comfortable and varied, covering a wide range of topics. They shared a taste for seafood, spaghetti, and fried chicken with potatoes and gravy, corn on the cob and apple crisp. She discovered that Selmak did not like coffee at all, but enjoyed good scotch, although it did not affect him unless he drank a great deal of it. They liked the same wines and most of the same music. Their favorite colors were different, but complimentary, and they both enjoyed a good comedy. Selmak and she had reading, long walks in cool weather, naps on rainy days, and an enjoyment of snow (unusual in a symbiote) in common, and they all enjoyed a warm fire on a cold night.
They talked all the way through their meal, and they continued quietly during the show they watched in the rec room. They were so caught up in each other; they did not even notice the curious looks they were getting. At last, feeling they had been seen to enjoy each other’s company by enough people to start a firestorm of gossip, they headed toward Jacob’s room, hand in hand. Stopping by her office, Janet grabbed the bottle of wine she had brought back with her when she returned from changing clothes.
Once they were in his room, she found some glasses and they relaxed, enjoying a companionable silence, as they sipped their wine.
Finally, Janet said quietly, “I need to talk to Jacob for a little bit about Sam, if you do not mind, Selmak.”
He shook his head. “You will find that neither of us minds being asked to give way for the other. Although we can each hear what the other hears, it is not the same if someone needs to talk directly to one or the other of us, so please do not hesitate to ask. It is not a problem and will neither insult, nor disturb, either of us. We are quite used to it.” So saying, he dipped his head, and Janet watched Jacob return to her. She smiled, realizing she was enjoying being with two interesting men. She knew from her talks with Sam that the Tok’Ra were passionate, and that it was easy to tell their touch apart from the human lover’s once you learned it.
Taking a deep breath, she said, somewhat bluntly, “Jacob, do you think that it will disturb Sam if we are seeing one another? I have to admit that it did not occur to me until after I was back in my office this afternoon.”
She watched him closely and was glad to see that he did not simply dismiss her question. He was giving it some thought and that, as far as she was concerned, was a very good sign. It meant he was serious about getting to know her. It was beginning to make her nervous though.
When he spoke, it was calmly and firmly, “No. No, I do not think it will. I think that it might have before, but not now. She mentioned to me, just before I came through this time, in fact, that she realized now how hard it must have been on me when her mother died. She told me that if I found someone to care about, to love, then I should. She wants me to be happy, Janet. I suppose she might find our age difference a little odd at first, but then she will realize that I will age at a much slower rate than you will and that eventually, you will be older than me. The same thing would happen to her and Martouf if she did not eventually blend, but from what I understand she wants to do it now that she knows more about it.” He stopped and grinned before he said, “I guess the long answer is no, I do not believe she will have a problem with us seeing each other, regardless of the age difference. I think that her relationship with Lantash and Martouf has allowed her to see a whole lot of things differently.”
Janet visibly relaxed, before saying, “I – I think she knows that I have been interested in you. She never said anything, so I never knew for sure, but I suspected she did, and she did not seem to mind. I just wanted to hear your opinion. I am really glad that she told you that. It sets my mind more at ease.”
Jacob nodded, as he said, “Yeah, I know what you mean and I am glad, too.” Looking into her sherry colored eyes, Jacob felt as if he was drowning.
“Kiss her, Jacob,” Sel, urged him impatiently. “We have desired to do so for a long time. We have the opportunity, do not pass it up.”
“Would you like to take over, Sel?” Jacob asked, his feathers ruffled at being hurried.
“Certainly,” Selmak responded and immediately took control, over Jacob’s sputtered protests.
“I didn’t mean it, Sel!” Jacob grumbled.
Selmak laughed softly, “I promise to return control once we have her in our arms and are kissing her thoroughly. Well, I will eventually, I promise,” he said.
“You are a beautiful woman, Janet. I have wished to spend time with you for a very long time, as has Jacob,” Selmak said, his voice vibrant and low, as he reached out and slowly traced the outline of her lips gently with a finger. “I must tell you that although I loved Saroosh, I am enjoying being in a male body. Although we are asexual, we do become used to being in one or the other, and sometimes it is difficult to adjust when we switch. I found switching this time very easy, however, and meeting you helped my adjustment even more.” He shrugged slightly, adding, “Saroosh was the first woman I had been blended with in a very long time, and I must admit that I seem to lean toward being male. We have found that many of us have a preference, although we do not always have the option of choosing which sex we will join with.”
He continued stroking her face, following the curve of her cheek, then finding the edge of her ear and touching it lightly. “I have wanted you from the first time I saw you. I was quite pleased that Jacob had feelings for you, even though he refused to act on them for the reasons we discussed this afternoon.” Leaning toward her, he kissed her gently on the corner of her lips, trailing his lips up to her temple, and then back to tease her lips once again. Her small gasp and quickened breathing pleased him, and he continued his slow, gentle seduction.
Finally bringing his lips more fully to hers, he teased them to open for him, and when they did, he delved in, tasting her and the wine, a heady mixture. He was surprised when she moaned, and taking control from him, pushed him back and down onto the sofa. As her hand found its way to his loins, and stroked him firmly, Jacob first choked and then laughed in their shared mind.
“Okay, Romeo,” he chortled to his shocked and overwhelmed symbiote, “Now what are you going to do?”
“Enjoy, Jacob,” Selmak gasped, as he pulled her closer. “We are going to have a night to remember. One which, I believe, we both hope will be but the first of many.”
Moaning, he forced them both to sit up, and looking into her face, he said quietly, “We want you very much, Janet, but if you are at all unsure, you should tell us now.”
For an answer, she pulled him back to her and brought their lips together again. He kissed her thoroughly, then stood and held out his hand. She placed her hand in his and allowed him to lead her toward the bed, by way of the door. He checked to make sure he locked it securely and then led her slowly toward the bed, stopping every foot or so, for a long and satisfying kiss. It took them quite some time to make their way to it, finally, but there were not too many clothes left by the time they got there.
When they floated down to the bed and came together intimately at last, Janet was sure she was not going to survive this. Passionate was a word that Sam had used, and oh, boy, were they ever. Moreover, the symbiote gave a stamina that you did not see in the human male too often. Wow. Maybe even double wow. She would have to do some experimenting to see if she could not find a few places that could drive them as wild as they had driven her.
No wonder Sam spent a lot of time staring off into space, shivering, and then smiling. No doubt, she was having daydreams about night things. She had a feeling that tomorrow would find her doing the same thing. She looked forward to the memories, but for now, she was going to enjoy the real thing. And then, she was going to enjoy it again.
Suddenly, she remembered what Sam had told her about caressing the symbiote. She brought her hand to the back of Jacob’s neck and began a slow sensuous stroking. When she felt Selmak quiver, and then begin to tremble, and felt the response in Jacob’s anatomy, she was very glad she had paid attention to what Sam had told her. From what she remembered, that trembling was important. She had just found their wildness button. Hearing them moan against her breast, as she continued to stoke them, she smiled to herself.
Then she wondered what type of response she would get if she kissed him, and perhaps suckled, at about the same place she was stroking him. She would have to try that next. In fact there were several things she wanted to do to these two lovers of hers.
Looking down, she realized Jacob had come forward again, and she heard him gasp, “You have been talking to my daughter, haven’t you, Janet? There is no other way you could possibly know about that little maneuver and what it does to the symbiote and the host. I absolutely refuse to believe that you just stumbled across it. That was much too informed an approach.
Janet laughed, a dusky, sexy sound, and Jacob moaned again before deciding he would get farther by going back to his previous occupation. Taking a nipple into his mouth, laving, and nipping gently, he was pleased to hear the gasp, and then the moan, that came from her this time. Selmak was correct; it was going to be a night to remember.
Martouf stood and looked out over the lake, where they set up camp, as the evening sun shimmered on the water turning it to gold and deep blue. He left the temple they were working on a short time ago, and walked down here to gather some of the peace into him. Soon night would again fall and another day, their fourth day here, would come to a close. Samantha was probably frantic by now wondering why they had not come for her, wherever she was. They still had not figured it out, and Daniel was not telling them, insisting that when they were ready to allow Sam some breathing space, they would figure it out for themselves.
It had become easier, but the pain was still intense, and the fear was always present within them. He was beginning to believe he would never come to terms with any of this. He was failing Samantha, Lantash, and himself. Sighing he stared at the water’s edge lapping quietly upon the shore. Such calm and quiet surrounding them, but inside they were a cauldron of churning feelings.
They had certainly lived through a complex and erratic tangle of emotions. At one point they had even felt extreme anger at Samantha for doing this to them. Thank the universe for Daniel. He had allowed them to rant and talk and talk and rant. He had lived through their anger, their fear, their panic, and their remorse. Sometimes he thought that without him, they would both have lost their minds and begun to hunt for her on every world she had ever mentioned. Only Daniel’s calm good sense, and the fact that he was fairly certain he knew where she was, had stopped them.
“He has been a good friend to us, Martouf,” Lantash said solemnly, as he heard Martouf’s thoughts. “We would have been in dire straits without him.”
“I know. I thank the universe every day for finding us such a stalwart friend. He has truly been our salvation this time, as he was Samantha’s friend when she needed him so badly. I believe our sanity would have been in danger without his calm practical way of looking at things,” Martouf said quietly, as he contemplated Daniel and his abilities.
“He has proven yet again that his strength of character runs deep, and that he is a very loyal friend and comrade. He has continued to stay true to Samantha, yet also managed to help us. For he has helped us, Martouf.”
“Our pain at the thought of Samantha being gone is not quite as sharp as it was at first, and we do not panic as quickly as we did when this first happened. I believe being here is helping us, and I believe that being able to talk to Daniel has helped, also. No matter how many times we repeat ourselves, he listens to us and lets us relieve any of our feelings that we have a need to relieve, whether it is anger, bewilderment, or sorrow. He has given us a great gift by doing so,” Lantash said, still quietly thankful for the firm friendship they had forged with Daniel.
“Yes, that is very true, he has. Moreover, being here has helped as well, but it is not working as quickly as I had hoped. What must Samantha be thinking? She must be distraught by now, wondering where we are. At least we are not the only ones to suffer,” he said somewhat bitterly, and then gasped at his own thoughts. “Lantash, how could I think that? How could I want Samantha to suffer this anguish? Am I some kind of monster?” Martouf demanded, sounding horrified at the thoughts he was having.
“You are simply working through another round of anger, Martouf. It is not the first time, and it may not be the last. We are still full of conflicting emotions, and anger is one of them. We wonder how she can do this to us, if she truly loves us; how she can put us through this form of hell. It may not be a particularly pleasant aspect of our personalities, but Daniel told us that these are very probably normal responses. He was not appalled at our anger at her, when it happened to me the second day we were here. It has just taken you a little longer to arrive at that point,” Lantash comforted and consoled him.
Martouf frowned as he bent and picked up some stones to toss in the water. “Do you think that Daniel is correct and that in a way it is actually healthy for us to feel these emotions and to express them, Lantash?”
“I believe he may be correct. He feels that we will go through many stages of these emotions, until we work through our fears and anxieties. He expected us to experience denial, which we did. I know that when I first read the letter I chided you for refusing to see what Samantha was saying, but you are aware that I have gone through periods of denial in regards to what she said in her letter. I, too, argued with myself, and you, for that matter, that we had not really been that unreasonable. We both know that is not true, but it stopped neither of us from thinking and feeling it. We are both still in denial when it comes to feeling that we must watch over her constantly. Neither of us can yet admit that she does not require our constant surveillance, “Lantash sighed as he realized just how true his statements to Martouf were.
Pulling himself out of his short bout of introspection, speaking quietly, he went on to say, “He also says we will feel anger. As you have just shown, we are still occasionally feeling that, also. I agree with him that it is a normal response. Nothing makes one so angry as to be in the wrong and have only oneself to blame. We are in that position, although we are not exactly alone in it. It was not just us that caused this, but we were the major factor, so when all is said and done, we are at fault. So we are both still feeling anger.”
After pausing once again, for a moment, Lantash continued, saying, “And, he still believes that we will be ready to go to her when we reach acceptance. We must accept that we cannot guard her twenty-four hours a day. We must accept that she is a thinking, intelligent, capable woman and, as she said in her letter, pregnancy does not equal incompetence or stupidity. She did not suddenly become irresponsible, incapable, or foolish and silly when she became pregnant. We both know this intellectually, now we must accept it emotionally. And her emotional stability is something else we must accept. Yes, her hormones have caused some moodiness, but they have not caused her to suddenly not know her own mind or what she wants and needs. We must also accept that we cannot continue to believe that if she does have an emotional outburst, it is because of her hormones, not because she is upset.”
Martouf sighed, as he skipped another rock. “I know, Lantash, and I agree that Daniel is probably correct, and so are you. It is important for us to accept these as truths. We must accept Samantha’s needs as legitimate and accomplishable. Sometimes, I do feel that they are, Lantash, and then I think of everything that could go wrong, or happen to her, and I freeze. I am terrified all over again.”
“I know, Martouf, for I share your fears for her and the child. I share the feelings when you have them, just as you share them, when I am the one who is about to panic. However, I have noticed that neither of us allows the other to stay in that state for long. I hope that we will be able to use the method we have been using to get through the last four days, to help us through allowing Samantha to have room to breathe. If we can each continue to be a calming influence on the other when we begin to experience the anxiety and panic, we will be able to fulfill her needs,” Lantash replied as he contemplated the truth of his statement.
Martouf was quiet for a moment as he pondered what Lantash had said. Lantash felt a noticeable lightening of his spirits. “You are correct, Lantash. I had not even realized we were doing that, but I believe you are correct. I am finally beginning to feel hope that we can do this.” Martouf sent him a quick embrace.
“I believe I do as well, dear one. I, too, feel hope at last,” Lantash replied, as he returned the caress.
Martouf threw his last stone, and then realized that Daniel, too, had left the temple and was walking toward them. As they turned away from the lake neither of them noticed the slender creature in the water that had come up closer to the edge to observe them. They had noticed none of the fish in the lake, although they had often bathed in it, or come to the edge to stand, staring out across the water. They started to walk back towards Daniel and met him partway. Perhaps they would soon be able to leave here and go after their Samantha, as she expected them to be able to do. She trusted them, and now they had begun to trust themselves.
“Have you finished for today, Daniel?” Martouf asked, as they neared each other.
“Yeah, I think so. That last wall was pretty interesting stuff. I wonder,” he grinned, “what the truth was.”
Martouf smiled back at him, saying, “From what Lantash can remember, this Goa’uld was actually one of the less vicious ones. While she was not exactly enlightened, she certainly was not one of the more violent ones either. He seems to remember that she and Egeria knew one another, and actually worked together, until Egeria’s aims became too radical for her tastes. It is a shame she did not share Egeria’s beliefs. If there had been even one other queen that passed on Egeria’s beliefs to her offspring, it might have made our fight easier.”
“That is true. Do we even know what happened to this one? Was she killed or did she just sort of disappear? I doubt very much that the story here will tell of her defeat unless the conquering Goa’uld had the story added afterwards.”
Martouf frowned. “Lantash says no one knows what happened to her. None of the Goa'uld ever claimed that they had defeated or enslaved her.”
“For all we know she could still be out there. I guess we should look into that. Of course, after two thousand years, the sarcophagus would probably have corrupted her beyond redemption, but if not, maybe she could be turned,” Daniel stated casually.
“Lantash says that according to their genetic memory, she agreed with Egeria about the sarcophagus and only used it for injuries. She changed hosts more often, instead of using it.”
“Really? Then maybe Anise and I will find out more when we come and start delving into the other temples. I am glad we came and started on them. I have enjoyed our time here, even if I would rather it had been under other circumstances. However, enough of that subject for now. Let’s head for the campsite and fix something to eat. Are you hungry this evening?”
Martouf looked surprised, as he said, “Yes, actually, I believe I am. That is a new development at least. Up until now, I have eaten because you will berate me if we do not. However, I believe that this evening I will eat because I wish to.”
“Well, that is a good sign anyway. Come on, let’s get the meal fixed, eaten, cleaned up, and everything put away, so that we can relax and enjoy the night sky here. It certainly is beautiful. The stars seem so close.”
“Yes it is, Daniel. I am glad we came with you. I must agree that I wish it was under different circumstances, but it is a very beautiful place and very quiet and serene. I think that you, Freya, and Anise will enjoy your stay here,” Martouf said, as they finished heating their meal and began to eat it. It did not take long to heat an MRE and even less time to eat one.
Thirty minutes later, they were building up the fire. So far, the nights had been fairly cool. While it did not get really cold, they both enjoyed a fire. They had built one each evening and then sat and talked far into the night. The night sky here was, indeed, beautiful. There were several moons and the stars tempted you to reach out and grasp them. They unrolled their sleeping bag and relaxed, as they stared first at the sky and then into the fire. Daniel was nearby and doing the same thing.
Thinking of Samantha, and the situation they found themselves in, Martouf found himself asking, yet again, “Do you truly believe we have been unreasonable, Daniel? Does our fear for her and our child not excuse some of our actions?”
Daniel looked at Martouf and saw the anguish in his friend’s eyes, but told the truth just the same, “Yes, you were unreasonable, but then, we were all unreasonable. More than that, we all should have attempted to manage our fear. We should have talked about it to Sam. Did you ever discuss it or was it something that you covered by simply doing things to lessen it?” He asked the rhetorical question, knowing the answer, not needing to hear it from them again.
“I know I never discussed my fears about her, the baby, and the situation with her. I just did things. I arranged for Nyan to be with her. I agreed she should not go through the gate, I watched what she ate, and checked on her a dozen times a day. I found excuses to spend time with her and watch her, to make sure she did not do anything that might hurt her or the baby.”
He shook his head in self-disgust as he continued, “If I was doing that, how much worse was what you were doing? When you were on base, did you ever let her out of your sight if you could avoid it? Did you hover over her when she did things like taking a shower? Did you ever allow her to go up a flight of stairs by herself, or stand on a stool to reach something?” Daniel shook his head again, this time in frustration with the situation, them, himself, and the others that had been involved. They had covered the same ground over and over. Nothing had changed since they had talked about it last night.
“You know, sometimes, I think that Teal’c was the only one that did not hover over her. He was the only one that trusted her to take care of herself and her baby. It is no wonder she was always going to his room and eating meals with him. He allowed her to be just Sam. A pregnant Sam, yes, but still, the same woman he has always known and respected. When we had our conferences about what to do while we were off world and stuff, he never really said anything, either. I just realized that. He probably was not surprised at all when she up and left.” Daniel sighed again, feeling guilty all over again, for having failed his friend. It was not just Sam he failed either. He failed Martouf and Lantash, too. He should have realized what they were doing and tried to curb them instead of encouraging them.
Realizing that, he turned from staring into the fire and looked at Martouf, “You know, I owe you and Lantash an apology. I just realized that not only did I fail Sam; I failed the two of you, too. I should have seen what was happening and tried to help you to cope. I should have tried to get you to ease up, instead of encouraging you. I am sorry. I probably could have helped to avoid this, if I had not been so afraid for her myself.”
“And looking back, I realize how ridiculous my fear for her was. She did not need me worrying about her. She needed my caring about her. I knew I owed her an apology, but I owe her more than one. I owe her one for not helping you, and I owe her one for not being there when she needed to talk to someone. Then I owe her one for forgetting who and what Sam is. She is a grown woman. She needed me to care, not to worry.” Daniel nodded decisively, saying, “I think I can do what she needs now.”
“Daniel, are you saying you did not know if you could do as she asked either? That you were still concerned that you might revert to treating her the same way, if she returned to us?” Martouf asked, disbelief coloring his voice.
“Yes. Yes, I am. Did you think you and Lantash were the only ones that were over the top? I told you that you were not alone in this, and I meant that honestly. I was just as guilty, well, almost as guilty, as you two were. Furthermore, I failed her as a friend, just as you have failed her as her mates. We both owe her apologies. I hope that you will be able to come to terms with your fear and see her for what she is soon, too. Then you can go and see her and find out if she is ready to come back to us, or if she still wishes to leave.”
Martouf nodded as he once again stared into the fire. Feeling the emotions well up once again, he sighed. How were they to stand this? How could they just ignore her? It seemed so wrong to not do things for her. Looking up, and seeing Daniel watching him, he voiced his thoughts, finishing by saying, “I just cannot see us sitting by while she struggles to tie her shoes, or allowing her to get up and down a dozen times to get herself a glass of water, when she will be up again shortly to go to the bathroom.”
As Daniel looked at him, Martouf could see the shock on his face. “Martouf, no one, no one at all, would tell you not to do those things. Sam herself would probably tell you she loves you caring for her and doing things like that for her. Hell, if you could go to the bathroom for her, she would probably worship you forever. That is not the type of thing with which you need to be concerned. I am not saying, and I do not believe Sam was either, that you should not still care for her, even coddle her, and wait on her hand and foot if you want to. It is the big things that are the problem. Not letting her go to the tunnels. Not allowing her to eat what she wants, instead of what you want her to have. We insisted that someone be with her all the time. We were making decisions for her, instead of with her. We did not just visit her in her lab; we hovered over her in her lab.”
“None of us gave her credit for having enough sense not to perform dangerous tests. Sam wants a healthy happy baby. She would not do anything to hurt it, and we should have known that. Please, do not go over the top the other way now, and stop caring for her physically and emotionally. That is not what she wants,” Daniel exclaimed, as he realized what Martouf had been thinking.
Still frowning as he contemplated them, he asked, “You brought the letter with you, didn’t you?”
“Yes, we did. Why?”
“I think it is time for you to read it again. You should read it again and really listen and think about what she is saying. Maybe now, you will be able to read it and fully understand it. I am not sure either of us did before. In fact, what I said earlier about checking on her a dozen times a day? You know, just stopping by and talking to her? I do not think that is what she was upset about at all. She knows we love her and care for her, and she enjoys our company. That was not the problem. It was all the decisions we took away from her, Martouf. Everything, from what she should eat to when she should sleep. We took control of her life, and that is what she could not stand. We were treating her as if she was child,” Daniel said excitedly, as the full truth burst upon him. He could not believe that he had missed it until now.
“Daniel, she told me that she was watching a movie in the rec room and someone changed the channel because, ‘she should not watch horror movies because of the baby’. People were always bringing her milk and fruit, and I always convinced her to eat or drink it, whether she wanted it or not. One day they took her coffee away and gave her milk instead, and I allowed them to do it. Moreover, because she did not want to cause a fuss, she allowed it as well. Not only that, but she probably felt that I would not support her, but would side against her. Daniel, Dear Goddess, what have we done? It is worse than we thought it was,” Martouf exclaimed, visibly upset.
“Well, at least we know what not to do when we get her back. Where are you going?” He asked, as Martouf got up and went to his backpack.
“I wish to read the letter again, as you suggested. I believe that it could prove helpful to me.”
“Good idea,” Daniel agreed, and then he sat quietly as Martouf and Lantash opened their letter.
They spread the letter out, and read it by the light of the fire. They were not sure they really needed the letter, for they had almost memorized it, but they wanted to see Samantha’s handwriting. This time when they read it, certain lines jumped out at them. It was as if they could suddenly see only the things that were important, the statements that, before now, they refused to or had been unable to, understand. Now they stood out in stark relief; they stood up and shouted at them. And finally, at last, they listened and understood.
My dearest loves,
the things I wish you both to know above all else… I love you both and I am sorry…
People no longer believe that I still a have a mind, and that I know what I want and/or need…
I want this baby… I want another one after it is born…I want to be cuddled when I cry and comforted when I am sick… I want my body to be cared for and the precious cargo it is carrying to be fine and healthy…
I do not want people to become suddenly deaf when I tell them what I need or want…
What I do not want is for Sam Carter to disappear and become invisible… I do not want people to become suddenly deaf when I tell them what I need or want…
I do not want my opinions, my thoughts, my feelings, and my needs to suddenly be unimportant, irrelevant, irrational, insignificant, trivial, or just plain wrong, for the simple reason that I am pregnant…
Being pregnant, no matter what anyone believes to the contrary, does not equal stupid, incompetent, incapable, inept, foolish, or inefficient…
I am so sorry…
I am sorry…I did not want to leave you…God, I miss you both so much already…
I need you, Lantash.
You will be in such pain, Lantash, because of me, and I am so sorry…The last thing in the world I wanted to do was to cause you this kind of pain… I hope you can eventually forgive me for inflicting it on you… Just thinking about the amount of pain that I must be causing you is hurting me… You cannot possibly know how very much I love you, for I do not have the words to express its depth… I hope you can eventually forgive me… I did not want this for you, for us
I need you, Martouf.
You are assuring him the two of you will find me and I pray you will because I don’t think I can stand to be gone from you for long… It has already been too long, and I have not even left the mountain or walked through the Stargate… I will tell you the same things I told Lantash…You cannot possibly know how very much I love you, for I do not have the words to express its depth... I never wanted to hurt you, to cause you so much pain, or make you so angry.
I wish I was less independent, less decisive, and more what you need me to be. My inability to accept being taken care of so completely is really at the bottom of this.
I truly am sorry. I did try, I really did. You have no idea how upset I am at myself because I failed in my attempt to change for you.
I hope I have not upset you so much you will not come for me…
I want, I need to be with you, near you…It is tearing me apart inside…
Do not come for me until you can hear me…I cannot stand to live without you in my life; I cannot stand to live with you without me in your life… I know you think you have no clue as to where I am, but once you begin to believe me, then you will be able to find me…
I do love you both very, very much… Please try to understand… And come to me, my loves… Soon. I am waiting for you…
P.S. Please do not be angry anymore. I am really sorry and by now, I am crying myself to sleep every night, missing you. Hurry. S.C.
Lantash caught his breath as pain knifed through them. Remorse, hot and bitter, filled them. So many times, she had said she was sorry. She was sorry. However, she was not the one who should be apologizing, as Daniel had pointed out, they owed her the apology. She was waiting for them, had been waiting for them for days now, as they wallowed in self-pity, resentment, and anger. Moreover, both Daniel and Samantha had been correct. Now that they could hear her, they knew exactly where she was.
“Daniel, we must go at once. Samantha needs us. She needs us to love her and care for her. She needs to know that we do not want her to change; that we love her as she is. More than anything else, she needs to know that we can hear her now. Come, Daniel, hurry. It is still daylight on earth, and I wish to return at once, so that I may go to her as soon as possible, and be with her there, as she has wished for us to be. If we go now, I will have time to clean up and gather some things to take with me. We can return for the remainder of our personal belongings later, if that is the way she chooses it to be.”
Standing and beginning to roll up his sleeping bag, Daniel asked quietly, “So, I take it you have decided you know where she went?”
“Yes. As you told me, when I was truly ready to trust her and to hear her, I would know where she was. And now I do, just as you do, and as you have the entire time we have been here,” Lantash came forward to say, as they continued to pack their few belongings haphazardly into their back pack and swiftly roll up their sleeping bag. Thank the universe; they had not used a tent, choosing instead to sleep either in the open or in the temple one night, during a rain shower.
“Would you care to accompany me to the Tok’Ra Tunnels, Daniel? You would get to see Freya and Anise, and we can both apologize to Samantha at the same time,” he said.
Daniel grinned at him, realizing they were not angry that he had not told him where she was, and said, “Sure, why not? I would not mind seeing Freya and Anise. They are not due back on earth for a couple of weeks, yet. It will be a nice surprise for them, and I will enjoy it as well. I guess we can grovel to Sam together.”
After putting the last of their things in the pack and putting out their campfire, he turned to Daniel and laid his hand on his arm stopping him for a moment. “We wish to thank you for refusing to tell us, Daniel. It is a very good feeling to know that we have truly been able to hear her and have learned to trust her. I have no doubts whatsoever about going to her now, and that is completely due to your friendship to both of us.”
Grinning suddenly at Daniel, he said, “Let us go. We must get there as soon as possible, for if we are lucky, Samantha will be asleep, and we can be there when she awakens.”
Daniel nodded in agreement. “To Earth,” he said, as they started toward the gate.