Chapter Twenty-five Summary - Sam realizes she must come to terms with what she will become and after talking to Janet, she comes to some realizations. Kataya relives her time in Samantha's mind.
Coeurawyn - My Heart Adorata Coeurawyn - Adored of My Heart
Samantha Carter leaned against the wall behind her, knees pulled up, forehead resting on them, as she sat in the deserted storage room. She sniffed and lifted her head as a tear reached the end of her nose. She was grateful for the emptiness of the room and the privacy it gave her.
She frowned, as she realized it was only semi-dark. She saw the exit sign quietly glowing, but sighed when she pinpointed the light as coming from her. The circlet was shining softly, pulling energy into her, and replenishing her depleted reserves.
Allowing her head fall back down, she continued her self-appraisal. The glow was just one more sign that she was changing, becoming something—someone other than who she was, what she was.
Now that was the question, wasn't it? Just who and what was she now? Who were her parents? Where was she really from? What was she really from? How was she supposed to act? How were others going to react? Engrossed in her wildly gyrating thoughts, she was surprised when the disembodied voice reached her ears.
“My momma always told me, she’d say, “Chile, there ain’t nothin’ in this world better for releasin’ anger and fear than tears. Yup, real cleansin’ things, tears. Too bad they make you feel like you done been kicked up side the head by a mule."
"I never understood half of what my momma told me, but that’s one of the things she told me that I have to agree with.” Janet slid down the wall to sit beside her friend.
“Janet,” Sam breathed her friend’s name and then gave a strangled laugh. “How did you find me? No, never mind, you looked for my glowing personality, right? Talk about a beacon in the night,” she said.
Sam shook her head and tilted it to rest against the wall where they sat. “Did you know? Am I the only one who didn’t?”
“Kataya wanted to tell you herself. She felt it should come from her. She was right, Sam. It was her place to tell you,” Janet said, gently.
“How long?” Sam asked tonelessly. “How long have I been kept in the dark?"
"Merdwin told them yesterday evening. Kataya wanted to tell you yesterday, too, but it just didn’t work out. Which is why she told you first thing this morning. They only realized it themselves recently, you know.”
“Sam, I think,” she paused. “I know Kataya was glad that Merdwin talked her into waiting to tell you. She wanted you to have last night with Lantash and Martouf without this being in the back of your mind. At least, I understand she said something to that effect to your dad. Jacob is telling Martouf and Lantash,” Janet answered quietly.
“How many know? Everyone on base?” She asked impassively. Janet shook her head, and then said, “As far as I am aware only those present last night. Jack, Teal’c, your dad, General Hammond and Daniel. Merdwin told me later. No one else knows, Sam.”
Lifting her head from the wall, Sam nodded, and then said, passion flowing into her voice, “I don’t know how to react. I don’t know what to do, what to say, what to feel.”
She paused for moment, and then continued, sounding bewildered, “I mean, I just found out that I am Furling, but not completely Furling. Just my soul is Furling, only that is not right either, because it isn’t completely Furling, it is half Furling and half Wiccadian, and oh, yeah, it is also Tau’ri. How is that for a pedigree?”
“You know what else? I just saw things that cannot possibly be true, but they are. I saw a unicorn, Janet. A unicorn, and it was one of loveliest creatures I have ever seen. I saw creatures we have always assumed were myths.” For a moment, her voice was filled with wonder, and then she sighed, shaking her head.
She sat quietly for a little longer, before speaking again, “Did they tell you I am a Dragon? A Dragon.” Catching her bottom lip between her teeth, she breathed, “I just have to keep telling myself that I am fine. Fine. No problems. It is nothing I cannot handle. I have handled worse, right? I mean, a computer entity invaded me. I survived that. Jolinar took me, and I survived that. Apophis shot me, and I survived that, too, thanks to the Nox. I got out of Netu; I mean what could be harder than getting out of hell? I survived Antarctica. I helped beat Hathor, for god’s sake. Twice. So, I am fine. I can do this. I am fine. Never better, in fact. A Dragon. No, I am fine. Fine.”
Sam gave a strangled sob, and then cleared her throat. “Damn it, I feel like Dorothy or Alice. I keep looking for that damned white rabbit or the wicked witch of the west, but they are not here. At least, not yet.” Her lips quirked in a slight smile for a moment, and she said, “And if this is the Wizard of Oz, then Kat is the oddest Glenda I have ever seen.” She looked over at Janet again, before saying, “Something tells me that clicking my heels together and saying there is no place like home is not going to do it. And I know I am not just going to wake up. I tried that and I know I am not dreaming.” Leaning her head back against the wall, she asked wearily, “Who am I, Janet? Will the real Sam Carter please stand up?”
“Furling, Wiccadian, Tau’ri. Sounds like some pretty heady company to me, but even if it wasn’t, it would not matter. You are still Sam Carter, Jacob Carter’s daughter. You are still Sam Carter, brilliant astrophysicist. You are still Samantha Carter, the woman Martouf and Lantash love more than life itself. You are still Major Samantha Carter, Second in Command on SG-1, and one of the most respected people in this facility. Sam Carter, the woman that Cassandra first learned to trust and love. You are still the friend of Janet Frasier, Daniel Jackson, Jack O’Neill, Teal'c, and a host of others. You are still you, Sam, no matter how many other things you are. You are still you. Furling, Wiccadian, Tau’ri, Dragon—none of those say who you are because they are not you. You may be those things, Sam, but they are not what defines you, as you.”
“I can describe you, Sam, but it does not tell what or who you are: Dr. Samantha Carter, Ph.D., scientist, mathematician, wormhole physics expert, woman, friend, daughter, lover, motorcyclist, soldier, officer, human, fighter, explorer, thinker, Soulmate, Heartmate. You are all those things, Sam, but they are just words without you to define what they mean. Those new words are just a little more insight into you, Sam Carter, but they do not define you anymore than if you suddenly took up painting, and we could call you a painter. So Tau’ri, Furling, Wiccadian, Dragon—they are simply facets of who and what you are, and that is all they will ever be.”
Sam sighed, softly. “You—are a very wise doctor, Doctor. Thanks, Janet. You are right too. I am just me. I will do my very best and that is all I can do. If I was born to be a dragon and defend this world, then it is not any different from what I am already doing. I am just going to do it in a little different way than I have been. I have spent my whole life learning new things and new skills. This is not any different at all, is it?”
“I don’t think so, Sam. It is just one more battle and one more way to fight it. And, personally, I think you will make a great dragon. Say, Dragons are a little hefty, aren’t they? Ya think I could have that red dress of yours with the slit skirt? I could have it shortened and..."
Sam shoved her gently, as she began to laugh. “I think I need to talk to Merdwin. I do not intend to gain weight just because I am a damned dragon.”
She stood up and pulled Janet to her feet. “Anything else in my wardrobe you have been coveting?” She asked as the two women left the room. “You may as well ask for it now, while I am feeling generous. Who knows how long this mellowness will last?”
Walking down the hall, Sam admitted to herself that she felt much better. Janet was correct in everything she had said. Thank god, for friends who cared. She frowned mentally, as it occurred to her that Janet could not have known where she was. Merdwin, she suspected. It was good to have friends who cared, even if they were aliens.
Daniel watched his mate as she slept. She looked pale and tired. How much longer, he wondered, before this all caught up to her. He would have to see to it that she slept when she was in bed. He grinned, thinking yeah right, as if she would let him get away with that. Besides, she said it was a form of energy, and it actually helped her to slow the progress of the problem. He was not sure he believed that, but for now, he would let it pass. Right now was probably most the most propitious time to be broaching that subject.
He frowned, as he thought about Sam. He had tried to contact her by their mental link a couple of times, but she was not answering. She must have shut it down completely, or she was just ignoring him. He could not tell which. He hoped she was all right. There was so much for her to take in. For all of them to take in, really. When had the bizarre become normal in his life, he wondered? Looking at the sleeping woman laying beside him, he realized he would not have it any other way. Bizarre was at least interesting. He wondered what she was dreaming that was making her smile ever so slightly.
She was in Samantha's mind. What a well-ordered place it was. Soon, she would lose herself and become Sam, she knew, but for now, she was just observing. This was her first living, she realized. Sam sat on a stone bench with Dayillon. She was four years old. It was obvious she and Dayillon had a special rapport.
Kataya had bad news for them, for heavy fighting had broken out. She had to go. As she watched, she stepped forward, into the past
"Will my sister Kataya stay this time, Dayillon? Will she be here for a while longer, please? My momma says she will leave soon because she is so ‘portent now that her daddy is gone. It makes my momma sad when she talks about Kat's daddy. It makes her sad when Kat leaves for the war, too.” The little blond girl prattled on as a shadow crossed Dayillon's face.
She heard him sigh, and she looked up from the toy soldier she was holding. “Do not be sad, Dayillon. I will be here and you can be with me. I love you. I always will love you. My momma says you and I have a special bond and that someday, when I grow up, we will be Heartmates.” She frowned over that concept for a moment, and then continued, “But, until I grow up, we can just be special friends, and I will help you feel happier until Kat comes home.” She smiled, and Dayillon smiled back and planted a soft kiss on her silky hair.
“Thank you, my adored one. That is what a Heartmate is called. You will always be my adored one, Csilla, your mother is right. Furthermore, we will wait for Kataya together, will we not?"
“Yes,” she said. “We will wait together.”
She was again sitting in the garden, but she was seven now, and she was hidden in a bower as she read a book. She heard someone talking, but she was not paying much attention until she heard her sister's name.
"They say she is cold-blooded and capable of killing with no emotion at all. They say there is no doubt she is the daughter of Artereos, that only one of his offspring could pull the power that she pulls.” The first speaker said, in a low voice.
“I heard that each time she returns from the All, it takes less time for her to achieve rank. The last time she was only twenty-seven, the youngest Katteri-enti ever. I heard that someday she will be born as Katteri-enti. I am glad I am not her lover. I cannot imagine bedding someone that cold," the second voice answered.
“I have been told that she does not really love anyone, not even Dayillon. They say she uses him, why else do they have no kits?” The first voice said, as they moved off down the path.
She sat as if turned to stone. They had been speaking of her sister. But, that was not what Kat was like. It was not. She caught her breath on a sob. She loved her sister and her sister loved her. She knew she did, and she knew her sister loved Dayillon more than anything or anyone. Her mother said so.
Dayillon found her sitting on the stone bench, weeping. “What is it, Coeurawyn? What has upset you so?”
“Dayillon!” The little girl launched herself into his arms. Sobbing, she told him what she had heard, and as he cradled her against him, his face above her head was grim.
“Csilla, my heart, stop crying and look at me.” Sniffling, she did as he requested. “You are too young to understand, perhaps, but you are a very bright little girl, so I am going to try to explain it to you. Kataya is,” he paused, before continuing, “Kataya is a very adept Warrior. She is Artereos's daughter in every way, and what they said about her power is very true. Someday, she will be almost as powerful as her father and your Uncle Merdwin. She will never, never, stop fighting the Goa'uld until they are conquered, or subdued, and are no longer a threat to the universe.”
He sighed, and continued, “That is the only truth they spoke, Csilla. The other things they said were just idle speculation and gossip, things that can be very hurtful, and a very good reason not to indulge in it.” He laughed gently, saying, “you probably will not understand this, but they are very wrong about Kataya and her, um, emotions. She is very, um, emotional, and she loves me very much. She loves you, too. Do not ever doubt that, my little Heartmate, for it is the truth. She will always love you, just as she will always love me.”
“Why do you not have kits, Dayillon?” Csilla asked him.
Dayillon looked down at the soft little hand in his, and he smiled, “Well, for one thing, we have you and your brother.”
“No,” she said, suddenly stubborn.
Dayillon sighed. “We decided not to, Csilla. Kataya is a Warrior, often in the very center of the fighting. If she was to become enceinte and be called into battle, she could lose the kits. We wish to wait until we can be sure she can take enough time to safely carry kits to term. That is truly why, my heart.”
He kissed her softly, and she felt the ache in his heart, as he wished for his mate's children to cuddle as he was cuddling her. Such waves of pain could not be stopped when they were this close together.
The little girl looked at him. “Do you want me to give you kits someday, Dayillon? I would if you truly wanted me too.”
Dayillon laughed gently and hugged her, before setting her down, standing, and then holding out his hand to her. “That is indeed a very generous offering, my adored one. Thank you, but no. Someday, Kataya and I will have kits together. Should we name one after you, little beautiful star?”
She shook her head, “No, I do not think so. I think she should be called after my mother.”
“Why is that?” Dayillon asked startled.
“Because her name is pretty and mine is not,” stated the practical little girl.
“I see,” he said. “Well, I think your name is as beautiful as you are, and that is very beautiful indeed. However, if you do not wish it, we will think of something, will we not?”
She skipped beside him, happy again. Looking up at him, her eyes wide, she confided, “I saw the Unicorn that lives in the forest. He was with his mate, and they had two little ones. They are very beautiful,” she said, awed.
“And you are blessed, for only those who are pure of heart may feed them, and only those whose heart’s intentions are pure, may see them. They come to Kataya to eat from her hand, and they allow her to ride them. It is as if one is riding the wind, did you know?” Dayillon smiled down at the enchanted little girl.
“Is Kataya a virgin, then?”
Dayillon laughed aloud at the question, but answered solemnly, “No, that is a myth. One need only be pure of heart to see and feed the unicorns.”
“Are there very many, Dayillon?”
“Yes, there are.”
Csilla frowned, stating, "”Those people were lying about my sister. She could not be pure of heart if she said she loved us, but she did not, could she? And the unicorns would not come to her and let her touch, or feed, or ride them, if she was not, would they?” The little girl had her proof. She was content.
"No, Coeurawyn, she could not, and they would not.”
Suddenly, they were older, and Csilla was watching Dayillon as he sat with a book open in his lap. It was obvious that he was not reading it. She walked to him and sat down beside him. “You miss her still.”
“Yes,” he smiled, softly. “I will always miss her. She has been gone for several years this time.” He shook his head, saying, “She has spoiled me by always coming back soon. This time is different, Csilla. I do not think she will return any time soon, this time.”
“You want to spend the evening together?” Csilla asked him, suddenly wanting to ease the ache that she knew he felt.
Smiling his sweetest smile, he answered quickly, “Sure, you want to go and get something to eat? We could get some Port or Mead, and I will get you some...”
Placing her fingers on his lips to stop his speech, she said, “Ah, Dayillon, I have been drinking both port and mead for several years now. It is no longer necessary to bring something different for me.”
He looked at her oddly, but agreed.
They had watched the play that was being put on in the courtyard, after they had dinner. As they made their way back through the castle yard, Daniel turned to her. "Would you like to go back to my chambers and look at the new manuscripts I just received? I think they are interesting, and they may include plans for one of our prototype universe sailers. Space ships as we call them now."
"Sure, if they are dealing with the prototype, I would really like to see that."
Csilla looked at the manuscripts that were getting blurrier by the minute. Rubbing her neck and eyes, she leaned back against the couch and looked over at Dayillon, as he still leaned forward over the table, looking at the parchments.
Reaching out, she pulled him back towards where she was sitting. As he over-balanced, and landed in a sprawl on the couch, they both began to laugh. He was laying half in her lap, and as he looked up at her, she looked at him—and realized that the love she had always had for him had changed. She was no longer a child to be cuddled and comforted by him. She was fully capable of being a mate. She caught her breath. A Heartmate. He was her Heartmate. So, this was what her mother had meant, this knowledge that this man would always hold a special place in her heart, a place that could be taken farther, or kept the same; either way, always there.
“Dayillon, would you kiss me?” She asked, suddenly.
Dayillon looked at her and blinked. “Yes, my beautiful little star,” he answered, “I will.”
Reaching up, he placed his hand behind her head and gently drew her toward him. This, their first kiss as a man and a woman, was sweet and delicate at first, but soon, the soft explorations fanned the embers into flames, and Daniel stood and drew her to him.
“Are you sure, Adorata Coeurawyn? Once we do this, we will not be able to go back,” Dayillon warned, as he gazed into her eyes, reading her expression, not her mind. “I did not bring you here for this purpose, Csilla. Please believe that,” he asserted earnestly.
“I know. I did not think you did.” Searching his face, she whispered to him, “I am a woman, with a woman’s desires, Adorato Coeurawyn. I want you and I love you. You know that is truth.” Smiling suddenly, she continued, "Your bedroom is that way, Dayillon.”
They made their way there, and when they fell onto the bed, Dayillon said, “I am going to kiss you again, little beautiful star.” And, he kissed her for the first time with all the passion that a man's kisses can hold for the woman they love and desire. And, she returned them with all the ardor her young and untried body could give.
When the morning light made its way into the room, Csilla awoke slowly. She did not have to open her eyes to know where she was. She knew that she had become a woman in Dayillon's arms. She opened her eyes to see him looking at her with troubled eyes.
“So, that is what my Lady Mother meant. I am your Heartmate, Dayillon, and you are mine. The adored of my heart. The adored one,” she said her vows softly, but firmly.
He took her hand and entwined their fingers, saying his vows to her. “Yes,” he responded, “I am your Heartmate, and you are mine. The adored one. The adored of my heart.”
“You did not even realize I had grown up, did you?”
“No. No, I guess I did not. I have always loved you, Coeurawyn, you know that.”
“But, it is different now. I am no longer the little girl you can cuddle.” She looked at their entwined hands. “Would Kataya be angry, Dayillon?”
He looked at her, with love in his eyes, and then answered as well as he could, “I do not believe so. Csilla, I am a very old soul, as is Kataya. We have been together since our first living.”
“Yes, I know,” she responded, puzzled at why he would tell her these things. Everyone knew they were eternal mates.
“Yes, well, we have, um, both, over the millennia,” he cleared his throat looking uncomfortable, and then shook his head. Csilla was grown, but she had spent her years studying and learning. He did not know how much she really understood of the time mates could spend alone. This was her first living. He frowned. Had he been unfair to make her his mate in passion—as well as in love?
“Are you trying to tell me you have had lovers?” She gasped.
“Yes, we have.” He looked at her face and willed her to understand. He watched as her brilliant mind grappled with this, and he saw the dawning come into her eyes.
“I am so stupid. Sometimes you spent years apart. You often choose to be reborn, and Kataya must wait for you to grow up, and find you, and sometimes it took a very long time, did it not?”
Dayillon smiled at her, as he relaxed back against the pillows. “Sometimes it takes a hundred years or more. Yesterday, I should have said that Kataya has spoiled me, recently. There were many, many years that at a rebirth she chose to spend her life with the Ancients, the Nox, or the Asgard, learning. She spent years at Avilion in the cloister learning, building, and harnessing her power. We have often had lovers, Csilla, after one of us has died and not returned. I am sorry if that shocks or hurts you.”
“No. No, actually it makes sense. It is why we have both Heartmates and Soulmates, is it not?”
"Yes, it is, my little beautiful star,” he said, softly. "I truly believe Kataya would understand and not be angry.”
She smiled at him. “I cannot believe she would be either.”
She paused, “Dayillon?”
“Would you not call me little anymore?”
He laughed as his lips claimed hers.
She paced as she waited for Dayillon. Universe, she did not want to tell him her decision. She looked at the sun. He would be here soon. She had talked to her mother this afternoon, and both had agreed. She had to tell him soon.
The door opened and he came in. He looked at her anxious face, and she ran to his arms. He led her to the couch.
“You do not have to tell me, Coeurawyn. I can read your answer on your face.”
“I am sorry. I am so sorry.” She felt a tear make its way down her cheek and watched as he reached out and brushed it away.
“We have had a beautiful time, Coeurawyn.” He paused, and then asked her, “Where are you going?”
“I am going to the University on Othalla. You could come with me, Dayillon. We could still be together.”
He shook his head and looked at her. “Now that you have made your decision, I will tell you mine. I was only waiting for you to decide what you wished to do. I am joining the fighting in the Pegacian System. I need to hone what few skills I have as a warrior. Each living that I come here, I try to add a few. Well, the time has come for me to do so during this life. Believe it or not they sometimes need someone with my background to negotiate with the native peoples on the different planets.”
“When will you leave?” She asked numbly. It was so much worse than she had thought it would be. How had Kataya been able to bear to leave this wonderful, gentle man? Not once, but over and over? Even knowing they would someday again be together, it was pure agony, of both heart and mind.
“Now that you have decided, I will leave tomorrow.”
“So Soon?” She whispered, her voice shaking.
He nodded. "”Now that we both know what we wish to do, it will be best to go quickly and make the break clean and fast. You are leaving soon are you not?”
”Four days,” she said, still whispering, her voice colored by tears.
“So, will you not come to me this one last night, my beautiful star?” Dayillon requested gently.
“Yes” she murmured, as his lips found hers.
The dream spun on, as Kataya relived her time in Samantha's mind. She relived her time as she studied at Othalla. She was reborn and lived each lifetime as she grew and learned the life lessons she needed. She saw herself with the Tollan, the Nox and the Asgard.
She had Heartmates, but none that were as dear as Dayillon, and the times that she was with and loved him. There was never a Soulmate for her though, and she despaired of ever finding him.
Finally, she was born into the Tau'ri. She grew and learned. She lived through the death of her mother, and she saw and felt her father, Jacob's, pain. Still, she could not help the resentment she had felt. Then, the day dawned when she realized that she admired her father, and what he did, and she took her brilliant mind, joined the Air Force, and became an air force officer who was both brilliant and beautiful, in both body and soul.
She almost made a mistake by taking Jonas Hanson as a mate. She shuddered in her sleep at the close call she had. She joined the SGC, and then went through the Stargate looking for Daniel Jackson, and the aliens that had invaded their facility.
She became an excellent warrior. She fought well and protected Daniel; they had become friends, and he was a scholar, not a warrior. She tried to believe she loved the Colonel, but she just could not do it. And, she was smart, busy, and alone.
It seemed that everything was wrong for her and Daniel. She really liked Daniel, and he really liked her, but he was married, and the Goa'uld had his wife. Still, they talked together, laughed together, and generally had fun together. If sometimes she felt they had a closer tie, she shrugged it off. He was taken, so she did not follow through on her feelings for him.
She was forcibly taken by a Tok'Ra, and then, Jolinar, the Tok'Ra, died for her, she kept dreaming of a man, and she ached for him. She knew that something important had happened that day, but she did not know what.
And, one day, her father said, “Sam, I have cancer,” and her world fell apart again. So, she was destined to lose both mother and father.
Then, she began to dream, and the dreams showed her a place of crystal tunnels and people rushing to get away before they were attacked, and she knew that they had to seek them out, because they could be the answer to a prayer. They were a resistance group who worked from within the Goa'uld, and they should try to form an alliance. They were the people of the symbiote, Jolinar, who had used her as a host.
Finally, she met the man who was haunting her dreams, and when they met, and she knew him, wanted him, loved him. She and the man, Martouf, and his symbiote, Lantash, watched as her father was healed, and all of a sudden, she was feeling, if not exactly happy, at least as if there was something waiting for her. But, she was confused, too, and she could not divide her feelings for the man, Martouf, from those of the Tok'Ra, Jolinar. So, maybe life was only marginally less anxiety ridden.
Her friendship with Daniel grew, and then one day Sha'uri was dead and gone, and Daniel was lost. She ached for his pain, but she had met Martouf and Lantash, and somehow, things just happened.
Then, she saw this startlingly attractive woman arrive at the SGC, and Daniel was as confused by his feelings for her, as she had been by her emotions, for Martouf and Lantash.
She and the woman, Kataya, became friends. Daniel and Kataya became mated. So did she, Martouf, and Lantash, for one thing had become startlingly clear. They were her Soulmates, the ones she had sought and longed to find for so many lifetimes, although she had no way of knowing the lifetime’s part of her longings for them.
Almost immediately after, Kataya turned to her, and told her who she was. Now, she had to assimilate the newest truth in her life. She was sister to a Furling. They shared a mother, a Heartmate, and a Soulmate.
And, she told her she was a Dragon. But, she was not sure she believed her. All she could do was wait and see.
What was that noise? Her eyes flew open, and she looked up into Daniel’s concerned face. Good heavens, what was she doing in bed with Daniel—again? Sam started to scramble off the bed, as they heard a knock on the door.